Up for discussion

Death suiside and "beyond"

2006-09-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

Ok. So here is the insert from my other blog. This section is a bit more personal, which is why it is here, and not there. So the middle of my day was when I went up and made a suiside attempt. I will get back to that in a moment. First here is my view on the whole thing. I believe that when there is no reason to keep living that there is no point in waiting around hoping for something to change. Why do that? So I figure it is a waste of time, and a drain on seocioty to continue a "pointless" life. It is my hope, and my desire to believe that there is other existance after this life. When this one is all used up it is time to let it go and move on to the next new beggining. Simmilar to the Budhust belief of reincarnation. Only instead of coming back as a dung beetle you are "born" in to a new world ready to meet new people. Wether they are homosapian or not is not something I worry about. If it is alien to me now, im sure it wont matter then, as I too would be "alien" at that point. Long story short I believe suiside to be an effective end to other wise unnessasary boring mundane and pointless "streaching" of life. I figure that we are given a "machine" called a body. that body will eventually become dammaged or will wear out etc... and we then move on to the next one in the next world. So sat I was thourlghy convinced that m had left my life. When she and I started dating I postponed my plans to "move on" and decided that she had brought something more for me to do, in to this life. So naturally when I had thought she was gone, I went back to my orrigonal plan. Trouble ism, when I was sitting there on that rock, looking out at the canyon and listining to the rush of the cars and the wind. Well while I was there feeling the steel of the gun pressed against my temple, I couldn't do it. It felt too much like I was wrong somewhere and that it wasn't time yet. It just wasn't right. If things do work out with M then the time won't be right untill she has passed on/ any children of ours are out on their own/ and I feel my purpose has been fufilled. Or I may die with out help from me. that would be nice. Either way, as one might guess this added complications to the events of the weekend, as I have not explained my beliefs to many people, it was initally passed off as me being depressed or stressed etc... So there you have it. My view on death, suiside and what comes next.

HOLY SHIT!!!!

2006-09-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

Holy fucking christ! What a weekend! Long story short I Am in a world of spinning messy goo and now I am the "uninvolved" person who is actually involved up to my ears. I will update more later, after this week. More Shit hit the fan today so I am waiting to write anything down untill Its all settled down again. *screams in frustration*

The Theatre part 2

2006-08-31T16:53:00.000-07:00

we were running Guys and Dolls. The wheel on the heaviest waggon broke. It had pulled all 4 bolts clean out of the wood. All this was happining during intermition, rather the end of intermition. The band was playing and it was almost time for curtian. A few of us rushed and moved weight after weight off the cart so we could work on it. We got the waggon back up and running just moments before curtian. *whew* The biggest show I had done at that point. Also the most frantic and frustrating show I have ever done; to date. That same show there was a problem with the rigging. something had gotten snagged or caught or something. The producer and the Directior were both standing around franticaly discussing what to do. I considered the fly system there "my fly". It was the theatres fly sysyem, and if anone could call it theirs, it wasn't me. But it was the way I thought about it, the same way with my team. They weren't just a crew, they were a team. I was one of them and we all followed our leader, boss, and friend Lu. When I offered my advice on a quick easy way to fix the problem, no hassle, no problem, just a quick fix. The director jumped down my throat. "how dare an inferior being even dare speak to me" was the tone of her responce. It was the only time I almost walked out on a show. Thoughts of my team, my boss, were all that kept me from leaving that night.

The Theatre

2006-08-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning, early. I usually wake up at 08:00, 07:50 at the earliest. Not today, and not yesterday. Yesterday it was 07:00, today it was 06:30. This is because I am starting a new rutine. Wake up, strech, exersise, eat and then get ready and leave for work. I got out of bed, and found the mess of a house waiting out side my room. Two hung-over out cold roommates were the first thing I saw. They were sleeping in front of all the workout equipment. So I moved on to the living room and started to clear a space to workout. Then I came across the vomit, wether cat or human I don't yet know, and decided I would try my room. I did upper body yesterday and decided to strech and wait on the workout till i got home. I went out to get milk for my breakfast, and it all hit me. That early morning feeling I always got at the theatre. I miss it badly. I remember my first day on the job. I helped mud some grooves and various other simple things. I most remember my first day in the shop. Back then It was in a seprate building from the theatre. I remember a cold early october, or was it november?, morning. It felt great. I wish I knew where to start writing about it. I wish I could pick a memory. I would go on all day about it if I had the time. All these memories come fluding back. I wish I could afford to work there. If I could I would spend the rest of my life there. *sigh* I am going to look in to doing that kind of job. Try to find one that I can live on. *Crosses fingers* More on this later.

Facades of Love.

2006-08-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

I remember hanging from the 2x4 that ran along the door of the closet in my room. Me and somethimes my nephue, and even other times with my friends we would hang there and fantisize about wemen. All we knew about sex was that the penis wen in to the vagina. We often wondered where peeing came in to all this. If you just peed in her, or if you didn't have to worry, or if you had to make sure you went before hand. We were 4 or 5 back then, I only really remember that I wasn't in school yet so it had to be before I was 5. We used to fantisize about the girls across the street. At some point prior they had always chased us trying to kiss us. It wasn't long after that we started enjoying the idea, not of kissing, but of other things. When I was 6 or 7 I met Stephani Sheldon. I figure I have the spelling wrong but anyway. I never fantisized about her, but I was definatly starting to feel... romantic emotions for her. Before I ever got the chance to even realise that I had feelings for her she and her family moved away. I had fantisys about other girls for a while, all the time not really having a "crush" to speak of. There were girls I found attractive and desirable but no real crush. When I moved to SLC at 11 years old, I found my first real crush. She was some ass in elmentry school more interested in her own popularity then me. So she, me being a geek, joined the crouds of people who "bullied" me. I got over her pretty quick. The next crush stuck. With her I was infatuated for years. From junior high untill after high school. Long story short she eventually got to the point in her gossiping and bull shitting that they started, jokingly at first, calling me a stalker. When they became more serious about telling people that I really was a stalker I got kinda pissy and I verry quickly got over her. Between around junior year of highschool I attempted to "get over her" as she had expressed no intrest in me. During junior and most of cenior year I became infatuated with another girl. A sophmore in colledge. Just a "bit" older then me. lol. Once she and I started dating it lasted for all of 2mo and then she dumped me. When I was 18 I met this girl. She was incredible. Fair pail skin, in great physical shape and long dirty blonde hair. Long down to your waist long. The hair alone would have been enough to drive me wild. And she was fun, that toped the cake. I had religous conserns at the time and didn't see much of her over the next year. I finally left my religon behind. After wich I started spending more time with her. We got in to a relationship of sorts. Long story short she eventually asked me to leave, wich naturally, crushed me. For the next year and a half I refused to date. I attempted once or twice but those short indevors ended almost before they began. I turned 21 and started drinking like a fish. I had already been known to drink to excess and now having it at my lesure ment much much more of it much more often. I lost my verginity that way. ANd eventually allowed the sex to replace the alcohol. One drug for another, one external the other an Endorphin. both very addicting. Eventually I met M and left my world of drinking and fucking behind. And now I start again on my next attempt at "the family" life. I don't really want kids, not right now at least. But the more and more time I spend with her, the more and more I want to see her as a mom, but not just any mom. the mother of my children. Whats more, is that this leads to me wanting to see me as a father, and more and more geting this "i want to cry" feeling when I think of having kids. Not cry in a bad way but in that very nastalgic way. It makes me teary eyed that I might have such a privlige one day. And that is my story of love.. so far...

Relationships

2006-08-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

I used to play "mechanic" under the pues of my church. I would lay there under them, during service, and poke sticks and pens and pencils and such at gum and I would pretend to be messing with the screws that held the bench together. I was off in another place, on a space ship, or in some technological building. One day a little boy crawled under and started playing mechanic. We didn't talk. I didn't even greet him. At least thats what I remember, my memorie of that time in my life can get... fuzzy... at times. He had just moved in one house to the north and across the street from me. We became best friends after a while. My next door nabhor on the south side of my house had a son a few years younger then me. He and I were friends too. His name was Kyle. The friend from that I met a church was Mike. Kyle was the bishops son. When I played at his house everything was always so stuffy. I was always afraid to move, for fear I might touch a toy that shouldn't be played with; at that moment. Mike was different. His house was like mine, only better. At his house I felt safe. There when something happened, or when we did something wrong we were taught why. At kyles house I was just sent home; "better to just let the 'white trash' deal with him". At my house it was the belt. I liked mikes house. I felt safe. When I was 5 I started school. Kyle had been at preschool for 2 years by then. Kile was also 2 years younger then me. Mike was a year younger. Mike started school the year afer me. At school neither Kyle, or Mike would play with me. They mostly didn't want to be seen with the kid who would rather take a beating then give one. I know this because when I started to stand up for myself Mike allowed himself to be seen talking to me. never playing, just talking. short quick conversations. In 3rd grade I met gary. I met him at school. Gary was like me. An out sider. Only Gary didn't get harassed. He was quiet and kept to himself. He mostly only talked or played with me. I loved garys house. It was even better then mike, cause at Garys noting bad ever happend. He never wanted to break the rules. Every now and then I was told I couldn't come over because he was in trouble but that was all. I moved to North Salt lake at the end of 5th grade. With in two years I never heard from kyle again, "best not to assosiate with 'those people' ". I still saw mike now and then. I stoped talking to him 2 years ago. We became so different. He is 'in' with the gangs, so they all leave him alone. Because I know him the gangs don't bother me. It must be because he asked it of them. My heart will always hold the person ,that is Mike, in my heart; but my head can't interact with his actions.
Gary moved away in 4th grade. I never heard from him again. To date he has and always will be one of my BEST friends.

Idolism...

2006-08-08T08:15:00.000-07:00

Father.

"allie allie oxin free!", and I was awake. Off to the "lot" today. The bright sun shining in my eyes. I loved that feeling. Now I can smell the pine, and the spruce and all the other smells of the canyon. Now we're hiking up the trail. I'm running up the hill. I play, alone, for a few hours; on the edge of a dangerous slope. Not even 5. I don't remember what he looked like back then. He used to be my hero. My "savior". He used to be the one who never "hurt" us. Sometimes I wished mom would go away and leave dad to take care of us. He only used that belt on us 2 or 3 times that I remember. She... I cant even try to count. Years passed by this way... 12 years old. Now I roam the streets of the city at night, and attend school by day. We've moved in town now and the city we live in now, feels safer. It may be, in some ways. Now they only yell and scream. My older kin saw to that. Sometimes, late at night, I almost wish for the belts. Then it was quiet and we could sleep. Now it is always LOUD. Once or twice I experienced first hand what mom always wanted to do to dad. The first time I had to lie to my friends at school. I told them i got in a biking accendent. (years later when It really was from a biking accedent they finally believed me). My memories of them are all of them standing over me screaming at me over some spilled rice. Tears rolling, poring down my face, and still they scream. I was so hungry, couldn't they see that I hated myself for the waist of food. Hated me enough for both of them. Not enough though. Not for them. a silly, stupid mistake. I slipped. when it had been calm at home too long I knew not to go home. I would sleep on a park bench or even bleachers, knowing that soon enough it would start again. Every time it did it was too much. I can't even remember if it was that bad, then. I was too busy running from it to see. I had seen it too many times before and didn't want to stand around long enough to see if things had changed. I was always starving then. Then one day I was old enough. Not so much the age as the ability to understand. I started seeing what was really happining. Eventually I started hearing things. And asking things. Finally they started talking. My oldest sister, and others. Slowly one at a time told me their heart. They only told me one thing, one piece of the puzzle. one year at a time. For 6 years. and then silence. for almost two years nothing. at the end of the two years, I heard enough for 5 or 6 or more years... The grand fanally. And then I knew all that they could tell me. Once, holding down a job, going to school, and volinteering part time; were all that kept me from hurting him. Now I was 2oo miles away. The drive home would be enough to get ahold of myself. That is what all my training was for after all. I couln't be him. I wouldn't let it happen. I was not going to sink to his level of refuse. Now I know that the belt my mother used, was an act of mercy. She was trying to apease him. Trying to save us from him. And so much more. I used to love him. Now that love has turned to hate. He is in my heart. For you can not hate something that isn't in your heart. Slowly I am rooting him out. Pulling him one root at a time. and burning the festering seed he left in my life. One day I hope to pull out the last stem of hate. And with it the last stem of love, for him.

Testie troubles....

2006-07-26T12:37:00.000-07:00

OH DEAR GOD IT HURTS!!!!! I got home from work and my right testi started hurting. It is not the first time this has happend so I dismissed it and waited for it to go away like it normaly does. WRONG ANSWER! All night and all day today it has hurt like a **** *****! Now the pain is spreading , yes thats right SPREADING, to my other nut and my left leg. AND the PAIN is getting worse! like Im gona doubble over and start crying soon. I AM SOOOOO SCREWED!!! *sigh* Hopefully I can get in to/wait for a doctor on sat, but it may be the instacare that I end up in.... I just don't know if I can afford an instacare, but I don't think I can afford to wait for the doc either.... GIRRRR

FUCKING SORRY ASSED BASTARDS!!!

2006-07-25T09:04:00.000-07:00

So The other day I wrote MtSpace tech. support about a problem I was having. You see when I origionally had myspace I, for various reasons, deleeted my account. However I countinued to recieve "new blog poast" updates from the old account. I then Got a new so I could keep contact with a few people. And then I recieved new blog poast emails from both accounts. When I asked IT how to get rid of the old acct emails their responce was less then helpfull. Their solution solved the problem I was asking about. However I think there was a communication break down somewhere and they "forgot" to tell me the "Fix" would involve deleeting my account. In stead they deleeted my account and sent me a conformation that "as per your request you account has been deleeted" MY REQUEST, MY ASS!!! SOrry ASSED FUCKING BASTARD CUNT CREAM FILLED PUSS INFESTED CUM BUBBLE BLOWING GUTTER SLUTS OF HELL! I am going to kill someone!!!!!!!!!! I spent 4 days programing that site!!!!!!!!!!! *Gives them the bird* *also gives them a big one up the ass* *also shoves a broom handle up their ass untill it comes out their face* *then shoots a BIG ASSED load in their eye* * then shits on their other eye* *then pisses up their nose* * then cuts the other one open and starts hand feeding their flesh to the other one* *gag* Im starting to make myself sick here so I suppose I am done ranting. For now....

Additon...
AND IT DIDN'T EVEN SOLVE THE PROBLEM!!!! OH I AM GOING TO KICK SOMEONES ASS!!!!!!!!

The"ONE"

2006-07-18T15:38:00.000-07:00

I often hear of the "one". Mostly I hear this in reference to a romantic relationship. I have found my one. I have found her 2, 3 and some might say even 4 times. The first time I was 10. I found her. This lasted until I was a junior in high school. It was then that I gave up my persuit of the unatainable woman I had fallen for so many years ago and tryed to find someone who could "distract" me from my "One". In my distraction I found love again. I never knew I could. I was convinced that after my first crush I would never fall so deeply again. Even so I fell even more deeply for this woman. At 16 dating a junior in colledge was... intoxicating. After a few months of flirting, I finaly got my chance to "make a move". We dated for o'... about 2 or 3 months and then she left me. I was crushed. Eventually my heart remembered why I had sought her out and fell right back to the woman I was originaly "running" from. This time I got away. Once again feeling as though my life was over, as if my soul reason for living had illuded me, I fell in to depression. This being the second time I fell in to such a pit of dispare and remorse. This time however I had also lost my job, my faith in religon, my best friends were slowly fading away, and I suddnly found nothing but shadows of echos in the empty shell of a man that I became. I mindlessly lived my life, all the while feeling less then empty inside. Those two things that had shaped my world and saved me from my home life were gone. My religon, and my love. It seemed I had lost them both. I found a new job. Still mindless stressfull work. I tryed my hand at religon once more, and found rejection. It was a year before I even thought of dating again. In the mean time I found my self going on my daily trip of solitude. A 10 mile up hill Bike trail. I followed it to "my" spot 3 some times 4 or 5 times a week. Every time I got to my spot I steped closer to the edge. One day I went up a different rout. I passed the house of a girl I knew, back then. When I got to the top I had convinced myself to jump. I got next to the edge and took my first step. My remaining leg began to shake and grew weak in the cold november wind. From nowhere the immage of her house flashed in to my mind. I steped back to think about it for a moment. I decided I would give love one last chance. A year later she asked me to leave. Only now I had lost my nerve. I couldn't do it any more; I just couldn't jump. She had sucked my power to do that right out of me. I began to, illegaly, drink. I got wasted on a regular basis. I consumed myself with work and booze. In december of that year my parents separated. More like my mom took my younger siblings and left. She left me for dead with that BASTARD of a man who emptily calls himself my father. That hollow shell of an ungratefull ass hole. That piece of garbage whos only purpose in life is selfindulgince. She left me for dead. I was not about to let that man get ahold of my life again. I found myself in quite a place of struggles for a while and forgot all about love. months passed by. Once or twice I beat myself up enough to go out and "look" for someone to love. I always came home alone. I had it all worked out. This time no one knew. No one could. All anyone knew was that I had drowned myself away in booze. This time it was worse then before. Now I was smashed on a regular basis. I was legal now and could wais my time and money on them at my lesure. Instead of only on the weekends or at partys, now it was a by weekly event; on weeks when I din't feel that much like drinking. I picked up a "fuck buddy" so people would think I was doing better. That and the sex was a nice way to excape. I finaly got the job I had planned for. It was almost time. Plans were almost ready. Not too long before work pays me to buy a gun. It would be a 9mm bretta. I was gona save some money and once I was ready It was off to the coast. I promised myself I would see the ocean for the first time before I died. Mear months before it was all set I met her. For a few weeks it was exciting. I was so happy. I hadn't been so happy since being intoxicated by the colledge student. Slowly the feeling faded and reality set in. I liked her, but I didn't love her. I still wonder if I do sometimes. When I am with her I can't get enough of her. But when I am alone... I remember. I remember everything. Each time I have fallen in love I have felt like she was "the one". Not thinking about the fact that the time before I had thought the last one was "the one". Untill now. I realise that I have found the one over, and over, and over. I don't know if she'll be "the one". But I have my hopes. For now it is time to find a career that involves more then a path to death.

The mind trap for the activly challanged

2006-07-10T14:04:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had those moments; when life seems to have no meaning? Do you ever feel like you are pointlessly moving in circles? Then you may consider this. (and bear with me, this may seem.... "out there")

Do you know what its like to be cold and alone? NO really. Like on the street looking for an alley way or park bench that may offer some warmth? Have you ever slept in a t-shirt and shorts in the freezing rain? Have you ever woken up with the knowledge of every dog, cat and ho-bo that passed you in the night? And every car that honked its horn, or how warm the air gets just before sunrise....

Ever thought where all the warmth in such a life comes from? or how a human could survive like this? With so many rushing around yelling screaming honking horns blaring music hate anger love peace charity compassion.... a lot of energy is generated by all those people moving and living. And not all of it is put to use. so much waist and excess. So much that so many can live on our table scraps. The actions of one contribute to the concequence, or event(s) if you will, of many. The time you spend today may feed a hunger tomorrow.

Have you ever walked down a cold deserted high way, and aked for the warmth of the city; the warmth of others. Just by living you bring hope to the eyes of those whom you have never met. In North America Millions if not Billions of people move to and frow every day. In Africa, South America, parts of Asia, and so many other places people ake for the warmth of even our smallest citys. With your life, you give hope to the hungry. With your life you give proof of what they hope for.

Live with the peace of knowing you are the hope of hundreds of thousands.

The Discussion

2006-07-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

This is where I poast thoughts.